I Just Don't Feel It
There are some days that I just don’t feel like it.
This idea pops into my head from time to time when I am in a state of frustration with my faith. There are days where I may feel let down or betrayed by my faith, which I think everybody has felt like from time to time. When you are at your lowest point, and a process of questioning your faith starts to begin, that’s when God comes through the strongest.
I’ll tell you a story of a time when I questioned my faith, and how I was able to come out of it.
Growing up, I did not enjoy going to church. I remember being ecstatic if my family was not able to attend Sunday mass, whether it was because a game of mine or a family function. This changed as I got older, and I started to pay attention during mass. High school was when I started to develop a relationship with God, and it has strengthened ever since.
My decision to attend Stonehill was partly based on its Catholic roots and religious mission. I saw a place that would help in my development as a man of faith. The campus ministry programs and priests on campus were so welcoming and engaging that it made it an easy transition into college. I would attend Sunday mass with friends weekly, and would even get to daily mass a few times a week. At this point in time, around my sophomore year, was when my faith was at its highest point.
During the summer going into my junior year, I tore my lisfranc ligament in my right foot while playing pick-up basketball with a few friends. This injury would sideline me for my entire junior soccer season and put me in a soft cast for two months. This was devastating for me, as I worked extremely hard to get to the point where I was. I began questioning my faith, stopped going to church, and gave up hope. I was in a very dark place.
Then, God crawled back into my life.
He was always there, and I knew this, but I was cutting him off. I was not letting him into my life. As my recovery went on, and I began to hit “checkpoints” such as moving to one crutch, then a walking boot, to eventually being able to walk on my own power, my spirits began to lift. I started going to the on-campus sports psychologist and the athletic chaplain for some therapy, and it really helped me mentally. I really started to get back to where I was mentally before my injury, and more importantly, I started going back to church and praying.
Fast forward six months later, I was able to start running and getting back to training. I was going to church regularly again, and was right back on track athletically, academically, and religiously. Fast forward even further, and I was able to enjoy an incredible senior year playing soccer, excelling academically, and strengthening my relationship with God. I graduated Stonehill College in May, and I am transitioning to graduate school at Post University where I will be playing both baseball and soccer and beginning a master program in Public Administration. I am extremely excited about the opportunity, and I cannot wait to further my playing career.
This is a story of a person being at his lowest point. However, that same person managed to crawl out of because of faith. Through that stretch of time where I questioned my faith, “I didn’t feel like it.” I didn’t feel like going to church, I didn’t feel like praying or carrying on my relationship with God, and I didn’t feel like there was any hope for me. But, when you’re low, the only way you can go is up, and God showed me that while it is okay to “not feel like it sometimes,” he is always there to bring us right back up.
I view faith as a constant struggle. A healthy one at that. When things aren’t going the way you’d like them to go, its normal to be upset and lose a little faith, because each time God brings you back up, it’s an even greater feeling, and your relationship is strengthened even further.
Stevie Conway, Storyteller