I Just Don't Feel It
I am weak.
I wake up at 5:00 am sweating, anxious, as I hear the sound of the iman at the local mosque. I try to tune out the call to worship by covering my ears in my pillow.
It does not work, and I am uncomfortable.
I am in a completely different environment, and I feel trapped. My sudden wakeups have been happening every day for the past several weeks since arriving in Morocco. During this particular time, I break down in tears, angry, confused, sad, and weak. What have I gotten myself into?
I am the kind of person that likes structure--a detailed process with step by step instructions to achieve a goal. Anytime I feel defeated, I go back to my routine and get back to work. However, I have no idea how to overcome this challenge that I face. I face an utterly new challenge, and I am not equipped to answer it. I know God is with me, but this does not feel like something that I should be going through. I need a clear roadmap of how to walk with Him. I need to feel like I am making progress.
There is this pressure and a constant internal battle that has become a war, and I have put it on myself. I see life as a rulebook with lines that create a trajectory, and when we veer off this line, we become an outlier. Those who do not abide to this world’s standard set of rules do not grow.
That was then.
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.”
4 years later:
Looking back at this time, I am convinced that uncertainty is inevitable and our way out is through a new element that comes into the equation: FAITH. During this time of struggle, faith took on a new meaning and started to become real. I believe that you have the opportunity to grow in every single situation. I look at the Bible in a much different way than I did years ago. The words on the paper have come to fruition and I am physically walking with Jesus.
I do not believe that faith is linear. Faith grows, but it is not a smooth and constantly positive line. You will have times when you are sitting at home reading a book, and you will not feel like anything is going on. You will have times when you are worshiping, and you will not feel like God is working in you. You will have times when you are working, and you will not feel the Holy Spirit comforting you. You will have times of uncertainty in the midst of confusion, and it does not feel like God has a plan for you. You will have times when you take a step in the wrong direction, and it does not feel like God wants you to come home. You will have times when you excel and reach new heights, and you don’t feel like God was with you lifting you up.
Pay attention to these times, and know that our lives and our struggles are not simply black and white. God paints using a spectrum of grays. There are difficult, trying times where we need faith, resilience, and love. But God is with us through them all.
I know that I will not live my life alone, and that God is with me. I pray the same for you.
Have faith, because God is with you.
Tyler Brondyk, Guys Like Us